Fair Play: An identity crisis
POLOMOLOK---My Running Shorts and Running Shoes are suffering from a mid-life, identity crisis.
It caught me by surprise really, I thought they were happy with the way things are so relaxed.
It turns out, they weren’t. They are so displeased with me that they are going to start a club and call it, “Bored and Delirious.”
Worse, they are going to contact their brothers to join the club, which lists among its 12-point agenda, “Freedom from omission.”
They both know what they were created to do and not being able to do it, is taxing their patience.
Born to pound the track, road or grass for hours, an idle life isn’t in Running Shoes’ dictionary, same with Running Shorts.
I guess I should have taken it as a sign when R Shoes gave up on me, while I was walking on the football field during a coverage.
He just quit.
“I’ve had enough,” he said, “My sole wasn’t made for this.”
Off it went his sole did and I was forced to retire him, just a short four months after he started his career.
And in the few weeks that he stayed hidden, he got busy convincing others to join the club.
I should have known. He always wasn’t in the last place I put him. (By the way, this, according to him, is the first sign of depression. There are also no haunted houses; poltergeists he said, are his depressed brothers and sisters.)
Then he told me about the club he was starting.
“The losers’ club?” I asked.
“Did you hear me say parliamentary inquiry your honor?” the wise guy said.
The Club, R Shoes said, is for girls and guys like him who are forced to do things they weren’t designed for, things they disdain.
He told me about some of his members’ stories and boy he kicked me when I laughed.
T Racquet, R Shoe said, became a shell of his former self now that he just helps clear the clothesline, while sister B Racquet lost her mind, now that she’s swatting flies.
B Shoes also went impotent when he started pounding cockroaches, while Swim Suit (this is when I almost lost it) now thinks she's a pole dancer after an unfortunate incident in the bedroom.
He also told me about Baseball Club who now feels like a fugitive (T’was murder in the first strike, he said) and about the Putter who keeps muttering about catching Tiger Woods in the 19th hole.
“Mountain Bike gathering dust? It’s not natural. Dumb Bells actually gain weight every time they’re idle. (Ask a friend who hasn’t used his in months, he can no longer lift them),” R Shoe said. “Tread Mills too feel like running away in the 13th straight day of idleness and Stair Masters, these things account for 80 percent of reported haunting.”
“I get it! I get it!” I said.
“You know, you could have saved us a lot of trouble if you only knew what you were doing.”
“So what do you want?”
“Someone out there is my sole mate, why not give me to him, or sell me for 80 percent less?”
“Are you nuts!”
“A lot of people will be if they see me running by myself.”
And he actually ran by himself! I wanted to grab my camera and was already thinking of youtube and of millions of hits, an interview by Oprah, an endorsement deal, my own TV Show, a run for Congress…but what the heck...
I’ll just humor my damn shoe and run.
And I guess you should, too.
They can really be talkative when they’re disappointed.
It caught me by surprise really, I thought they were happy with the way things are so relaxed.
It turns out, they weren’t. They are so displeased with me that they are going to start a club and call it, “Bored and Delirious.”
Worse, they are going to contact their brothers to join the club, which lists among its 12-point agenda, “Freedom from omission.”
They both know what they were created to do and not being able to do it, is taxing their patience.
Born to pound the track, road or grass for hours, an idle life isn’t in Running Shoes’ dictionary, same with Running Shorts.
I guess I should have taken it as a sign when R Shoes gave up on me, while I was walking on the football field during a coverage.
He just quit.
“I’ve had enough,” he said, “My sole wasn’t made for this.”
Off it went his sole did and I was forced to retire him, just a short four months after he started his career.
And in the few weeks that he stayed hidden, he got busy convincing others to join the club.
I should have known. He always wasn’t in the last place I put him. (By the way, this, according to him, is the first sign of depression. There are also no haunted houses; poltergeists he said, are his depressed brothers and sisters.)
Then he told me about the club he was starting.
“The losers’ club?” I asked.
“Did you hear me say parliamentary inquiry your honor?” the wise guy said.
The Club, R Shoes said, is for girls and guys like him who are forced to do things they weren’t designed for, things they disdain.
He told me about some of his members’ stories and boy he kicked me when I laughed.
T Racquet, R Shoe said, became a shell of his former self now that he just helps clear the clothesline, while sister B Racquet lost her mind, now that she’s swatting flies.
B Shoes also went impotent when he started pounding cockroaches, while Swim Suit (this is when I almost lost it) now thinks she's a pole dancer after an unfortunate incident in the bedroom.
He also told me about Baseball Club who now feels like a fugitive (T’was murder in the first strike, he said) and about the Putter who keeps muttering about catching Tiger Woods in the 19th hole.
“Mountain Bike gathering dust? It’s not natural. Dumb Bells actually gain weight every time they’re idle. (Ask a friend who hasn’t used his in months, he can no longer lift them),” R Shoe said. “Tread Mills too feel like running away in the 13th straight day of idleness and Stair Masters, these things account for 80 percent of reported haunting.”
“I get it! I get it!” I said.
“You know, you could have saved us a lot of trouble if you only knew what you were doing.”
“So what do you want?”
“Someone out there is my sole mate, why not give me to him, or sell me for 80 percent less?”
“Are you nuts!”
“A lot of people will be if they see me running by myself.”
And he actually ran by himself! I wanted to grab my camera and was already thinking of youtube and of millions of hits, an interview by Oprah, an endorsement deal, my own TV Show, a run for Congress…but what the heck...
I’ll just humor my damn shoe and run.
And I guess you should, too.
They can really be talkative when they’re disappointed.
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